How to raise boys: 7 RULES

For a boy to grow up like that, he MUST be brought up like that. And in our country they usually want to build a beautiful city, but instead they dig shelters: they dream of a responsible and active son, striving for something and achieving something, and themselves, taking the initiative, “rebuild”, CRITIZATION AND SHAME makes him doubtful, dependent and accustomed to doing another’s will.

I also have a boy. He’s already seven. And I would like to say something new, fresh, unbanal here. I’m afraid it won’t work. I myself move a lot through touch. There are things that I can rely on and that support me a lot. But you know her very well even without me.

7 IMPORTANT RULES FOR THE REARING OF BOYS

As they say, the ideal man can only give birth to himself. Lives, lives in us the longing for the ideal.

Ideal means a knight.

workaholic.

stone wall.

master of the word.

mind reader.

Shoulder!

And also attentive, caring, brave, reliable.

For a boy to grow up like that, he needs to be brought up like that.

And we usually want to build a beautiful city, but instead they dig shelters:

They dream of a responsible and active son who strives and achieves something, while they themselves, by taking away the initiative, “reworking”, CRITICAL AND SHAME, make him doubtful, dependent and accustomed to doing someone else’s will.

In order for a boy to grow up (God bless him – with a “real man”) just a good person who likes to live, for him (as for a girl) it is very important:

1. Love, attention, physical contact.

Through the mother’s love, the mother’s attitude, her feelings, her gaze, the child learns to love and accept himself. Touches, hugs, kind words – withthe most convincing proof that it is precious and valuable.

Quote from my book “Baby. Mama’s luck”:

“Our boys are damn unlucky. From childhood they are taught to be a “real man,” not to cry, not whine, and not to take punches. And therefore, mothers (and even more so fathers) often literally rob their sons with their caresses, limit hugs and kisses, shame them for weakness, tears and inability to stand up for themselves. in summary, the integrity of the personality of such boys is violated: Her “female” part (the ability to show tenderness, sympathy, empathy, show her pain) does not develop, dies. And then “real men” grow up, yes, unable to show their feelings or understand someone else’s feelings …
And therefore kiss your boys (Girls too, of course), cuddling, not denying their “femininity”, their feelings, not being afraid that they will grow up as wimps. Love is the most important thing you can give them.”

And another quote:

“Love is not permissiveness. And it’s not about control. Not overprotective. No blind self-sacrifice (“I’ve dedicated myself to you!”). love – it’s a deep, warm connection, it’s a soulful response, it’s closeness, it’s the ability to be there when you need it and to let go when the time is right.

It is said that a mother’s boundless love spoils the child. It is not so. It spoils only if, while loving the child infinitely, we do not love and deprive ourselves, forgetting our needs, interests, well-being, when the baby only absorbs our love. He can only learn to love when he sees: Parents love him very muchbut they also love themselves and they love one another.”

I think that is important: a man who has outgrown a boy will then be capable of a deep, close and sincere relationship with a woman, as he formed this relationship with his mother.

And in them, in these relationships, there is affection, there is respect, there is autonomy and there is no manipulation, there is no blurring of boundaries and reversal of roles (when the son becomes the mother’s “emotional spouse”, when she herself has no husband or there is a husband, but everything is difficult with him).

2. Recognition – his achievements, victories, his “goodness”, what he can, can, deserves. This allows him to feel important, confident, and successful.

My male clients (literally every first one) suffer from the fact that once in childhood they were not recognized by their parents – especially their fathers. They were oppressed, criticized, devalued. They didn’t believe in her. They played off their injuries. They heard words not so necessary, so inspiring: “I am proud of you, my son, you are wonderful!”

It is very difficult for unrecognized children to grow up psychologically. and become mature adults. They depend on the assessment of others, doubt themselves and constantly try to prove by all means (including by belittling others) that they exist, that they exist and that they are capable of something.

3. Support and Protection.

I’ve written before: Children are taught from a very early age that they must defend their interests and stand up for themselves.

That is not right.

A child of any age, even a newborn, even a teenager, You must feel that he is protected (not fenced in a greenhouse but protected) that he has someone he can rely on and whom he can ask for help – if necessary. And help will come. Growing up in a supportive environment, a boy eventually grows into someone who knows how to protect his values, his family, his children.

4. Respect for difference and differences, acceptance.

Our children are very similar to us in some ways, but not at all in other ways. And this “not at all” makes them unique and inimitable.

So that the child grows up in harmony with himself and has the opportunity to live his life, his uniqueness, its dissimilarity to others (including ourselves) must be acknowledged and respected and not outlived and uprooted.

My Grisha, for example, is very similar to me – just as sunny, cheerful even.

It is very easy and pleasant to raise a child who is almost a copy of you (at your best), who you understand and feel like yourself.

My friend’s son, on the other hand, is a copy of her husband, with whom she had a difficult relationship and a painful breakup. There was also plenty of frozen, unresolved resentment that involuntarily spilled out on someone who looks so much like an ex-husband – he walks, sees, talks and holds a spoon the same way.

It took my girlfriend a lot of time and a lot of inner work – so through the veil of facial features that annoyed her not to see in your boy the shadow of a father, but a separate real person, start to recognize him (namely him), perceive and support everything that is good, bright, individual.

5. The right to one’s own opinion, one’s activities and plans, hobbies and dreams, one’s own choices and one’s own path.

Our boys must be given the opportunity declare themselves, show independence, have their own views, argue, defend something very important and precious to them.

Accept own (even wrong in our wise parental view) solutionsdisagree, do things your way and face the consequences of your actions.

This is the only way they can grow up independently, responsibly and self-confidently.

What decisions can a 3 (5, 10) year old child make you ask?

Any current life that does not threaten his life and health (and the life and health of others): eat lunch or work up an appetite before dinner, share toys in the sandbox, who you are friends with and what section you want to choose .

6. Model of mature male behavior, relationships, growing up.

Be brave and strong You must have a good example in mind.

You need someone you want to be like. With whom to share your “male secrets” and hobbies.

Showing you how to treat your work, your beloved wife, yourself.

How to trade, communicate with people, build relationships, resolve conflicts, make decisions, achieve goals, set boundaries and rules.

Who don’t pull up, feel ashamed, shake hands and fear competition, but play, support, encourage and recognize initiative.

In the best of lives This man is a father. And if, for some reason, the father cannot be such a role model, then his stepfather, grandfather, godfather, uncle or (and this happens) a coach at a sports school can become one.

7. Lack of excessive demands and ambitious expectations (my child must be the best/most successful/most outstanding student/champion/genius).

You are very dangerous. And especially the fact that there is no love for the child behind them. The child is not loved. His ideal image is cherished and loved, but he himself, alive as he is, is not.

And he feels it!

He doesn’t understand, he doesn’t recognize, but he feels.

And with this inner pain, strangled, imprisoned, often even unconscious, he will have to live, maybe for the rest of his life.

Phrases that boys’ mothers, fathers (and grandmothers) must forget:
– You will not succeed (you will not be able, you will not be able), let me!
– It is still small to have an opinion!
You have no rights, only duties.
– Do not climb (do not touch, do not do) – you will break (get injured, get sick)!
“Why are you whining like a girl?” You can! Go do it.
– Do not you feel ashamed?! You are a man! Men don’t cry (don’t be afraid).

men cry. For joy, for sadness, for pain.

It’s not shameful.

You’re welcome, Don’t let your boys cry.

Don’t be afraid to be afraid.

Don’t stop being angry.

Don’t force them to suppress and hide their emotions, to suppress their feelings and to bring the pain inside.

Better teach to be aware of your feelings, to name them and to experience them.

And then they will grow strong and healthy. Real.

Source: econet.ru

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