How to praise children: Advice from a psychologist

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I love the word “well done”. And I’m thinking how to do it so that “I’m done!” sounded like a force within us, no question in the eyes of children and adults. So that our praise does not become the “supporting wall” for self-esteem.

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How can you praise your children?

• It’s important to remember that both rewards and punishments decrease motivation over time.
• Self-esteem will not be able to “rise from the outside”. All stickers, gifts, reviews, praise, likes – give a temporary effect. And form an addiction. And the child/adult does not have stable confidence in their abilities, talents, competence. And each time you have to relearn how to “appropriate” the result.
• Ideally, of course, when the action and the result obtained (the joy of it (drawing, dexterity, action, in the end school grade) become a pleasure and “reward” in itself.
• Preschoolers still focus on getting rewards for actions. Stickers, for example, reinforce their efforts. But the “internal result” is also important to us.
• I’ve often noticed – when you’re praising someone, say what a fine guy, what a smart guy, etc. – they seem to make a conscious effort to refute the words, as if doubting their sincerity.

The main principle is not just to say the word “well done”, “clever”, but to focus on what exactly we “praise”. that gives a sense of importance, tangibility of what has been done.

If we write down the value, and then say the particle BUT, that invalidates everything that was previously said.

Praise: well done! I’m proud of you! Good boy/good girl.

Support: We focus on what exactly “we support”, it is important for us to identify exactly what we consider to be the most valuable.

Child: did I draw well?

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Praise: What a talented (beautiful) drawing!

Support: such bright colors! In the picture you can see both the sun and the rainbow, and the windows in the house, and that – it looks like – a dog on the street! do you like to paint – it is very felt.

* When a child feels “support” they start talking about what else they drew, what worked and what was difficult, what they will do. When we give praise, a feeling of dissatisfaction arises, or the child suddenly resists the praise.

Child: I got 12 in math today

Praise: you are a genius!

Support: you learned so much (you are interested in math, you solved all the examples, what was the hardest?)

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Praise: Good boy, you put on pantyhose yourself!

Support: They figured it out completely and put it on without any help! I didn’t realize how quickly you did it.

Praise: You are a born writer! You are the best essay writer!

Support: As I read your essay I seemed to see and hear everything you describe and the murmur of the brook and the rustle of the wind in the trees and I saw people – the words were so precisely and beautifully chosen. That’s how writers write.

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Examples of replacing sentences with a particle BUT in communication with children:

• You did such a great job! Well done but not well done. (Support option: All the numbers/letters on the page are like slender trees in the forest. But these seem to have been tipped over by the wind. And here’s a puddle after the rain?
• You collected the toys, but you could have done it faster. (Support option – oh! The toys were assembled at the pace of a superhero athlete! A few more minutes and there would have been a new world record).

And I’ve found that when you don’t just say “thank you” to a person, but also state what exactly you’re grateful for, the gratitude itself becomes more genuine and meaningful.

Happy growing up!

Source: econet.ru

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