How childhood with toxic parents ruins adulthood

We have our first relationship experiences in the parental family. It also sets ideas about yourself, your abilities and limitations. This experience largely determines behavioral strategies and emotional reactions in all areas of life: family, job, personality development.

It is good when the parental family becomes a support for a person, forming in him healthy ideas about love, respect and independence.

Toxic parents affect our adult lives

What if different? What if loved ones are criticized, boundaries violated, manipulated? Such relationships are called toxic, they undermine self-confidence and harm health.

Signs of a toxic relationship

• emotional cold. Feelings in such families are forbidden. You can’t get angry, cry, be offended. It is impossible for anyone: neither parents nor children. The focus of attention is usually shifted to external well-being. It is important that the child is dressed, shoed and fed. It is important for the family to have good public opinion, so a lot of effort goes into maintaining the facade.
• Contradictory behavior and double reporting. Consistency in upbringing is usually lacking: dad sets some rules, mom sets others. And that’s half the battle. It happens that from the mouth of a parent first permission for some activity flies out, and then suddenly – a ban, consent to some behavior, and then – punishment. It happens that a parent formulates a message through language and exactly the opposite through facial expressions and gestures, which makes it considerably more difficult for the child to orientate himself in the set of rules.
• Manipulation, insults and criticism. There are no direct requests to get what you want, your loved ones resort to manipulative communication, imposing guilt and a sense of duty, creating fear and poisonous shame. Ignoring a person and resentment is a common form of interaction in such families. As well as direct insults and caustic criticism, covered with good intentions.

• violation of personal boundaries. Physical and emotional boundaries have no value. Parents can intervene at any time, read the child’s correspondence, diaries and notes, and then share this information with others. Often in toxic families, a child is a container, a heap of troubles, negative emotions, and some nuances are poured into it that are actually “contraindicated” for the child and sometimes require immediate involvement in solving difficulties. Toxic parents always know better how to look like a child, who to be friends with, where and what to study.
• role confusion. A fairly common occurrence in families with toxic relationships is coalitions. Children are attracted to “befriend” their father or keep secrets from their mother. Parents can use the child as a means of communication when communicating with each other and get angry at him because of conflicts in a couple. Children often become parents to their adults, especially when there are addicts in the family. Or the role of an adult, for example a father, passes to a child at the suggestion of a mother when she devalues ​​her husband, excludes him from life, infantilizes him.
• Force. The worst happens behind closed doors and here there are many variations: cruel corporal punishment, excommunication of relatives, accommodation in locked cabinets and dark cupboards, emotional pressure, sexual violence, which can be expressed not only in direct contacts, but also insinuations, touches .

How do toxic family relationships affect the present?

Childhood is over, but the consequences remain. In addition, the consequences for completely different people who grew up in toxic families are the same.

Adult children in their presence:

• they try to guess what the “norm” is, they doubt what is good and what is bad, they are guided by other people’s norms;
• have difficulty forming personal relationships, choose to be alone or vice versa, try their best to be close to someone, often take the position of a “victim” and are hyper-loyal to their attacker even when life is already unbearable ;
• ruthlessly condemning themselves, it seems to them that they are the cause of the problems of their loved ones, constantly feeling guilty, seeking recognition and confirmation of meaning in the family and at work. When others’ attitudes aren’t as positive as one would like them to be, they sink to the bottom of self-esteem;
• Difficulty recognizing and presenting their emotions, afraid to show aggression, “blocking” negative experiences due to which they gain weight;
• often do not finish the work, enthusiasm quickly gives way to disappointment and waning interest, they usually have many ideas, but all projects are abandoned at the moment of implementation.

How to resist the influence of the past?

You must admit that you have been treated cruelly and unfairly. This step is quite difficult to perform with outward simplicity. Adult children experience a range of feelings for their parents, and it’s sometimes a lot easier to feel guilty and bad-mouthed just not to face the whole throng of thrombosed negative experiences. After the emotional storm, it will be about building personal boundaries, developing self-esteem, and building strong relationships.

Source: econet.ru

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